Sometimes, when I worship at church, I just sing without really paying much attention to the words.

Then there are times when the words (usually a single phrase) hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. Sometimes those words have a life changing affect.

This song has a phrase that has gripped me for the last few weeks:

You

You are my first

You are my last

You are my future AND MY PAST

(Lyrics by John Mark McMillan)

We have all heard the advice. You know... Don't dwell in the past; live in the now. Be present.

I think it's good advice, but I feel like today's American culture pretty much interprets that as FORGET about the past; disregard it.

We certainly need to be present. We certainly should not DWELL in the past, but we most definitely should not forget/disregard it!

I have noticed that this disregard is often accepted regarding the Old Testament of the Bible. "Why read the Old Testament? Jesus cancels all that out. The Old Testament God was hard to palette. I prefer the loving (less angry) God of the New Testament." 

Honestly, I was among those people. 

Then few months ago, I attended a life changing conference and heard THIS talk by Brad Gray. 

Seriously, friends, this information is LIFE CHANGING. And if you were ever unsure of the relevancy of the Bible, this will surely convince you. 

It turns out that the entire Old Testament actually points to Jesus in very direct ways. When we study the life of Jesus, it is completely apparent that his actions are directly reflective of happenings in the Old Testament. 

I'm not just talking about the over arcing fact that in the Old Testament, people sinned and God was mad so, He sent Jesus. That does definitely explain the actions of Jesus, but it's so much MORE than that. Jesus' actions make WAY more sense to me now that someone has pointed out the direct connection between the Old and New Testaments. 

The point is: The whole Bible is relevant. All the books are part of the whole story (that God hasn't even finished yet!). God knew what He was doing in the Old Testament. He knew what He was doing in the New, and He knows what he is doing now and in the future. 

I am grateful for that... because, I have been remembering my past. Recalling a lifetime of health issues. I have written about some of them already, but this last year, I have discovered there is something other than mental illness that has been causing these issues. There is a root to it all. 

Lyme Disease.

I'm going on one year of treatment for Lyme, and it's been hard. REALLY hard. It's easy for me to feel sorry for myself and wonder how different (better) my life could have been had I found out sooner what was causing my issues. I can easily dwell in that. 

When I, instead, dwell in the Lord, I understand that He is the God of my future AND my past. My past is part of a whole story. Since He's got the whole story under control, I don't need to dwell in the past, but I will not disregard it or try to forget it. 

I am confident that the connection between my past and future will be used for good! 

How about you? 

Do you have a tendency to dwell in the past or are you quick to try to forget/disregard it?

Creature of Comfort -- An Ode to My Bed

My bed is my sanctuary.

I know everyone needs sleep and, therefore, pretty much everyone looks forward to laying down on a comfy bed for a peaceful slumber. 

But if you asked someone, "what is your happy place?" Chances are they'd mention tropical islands, beaches, gardens, with friends or family, etc.

My happy place is my bed.

I'm not particularly proud of it, but I'm coming to terms with it.

It's my place to think and dream. It's my place to escape. It's a place of rest and recovery.

It's the place where I feel the least amount of anxiety. 

If I am feeling anxious, I guarantee if I can lay down in my bed, it will dissipate very soon. 

If I am in the midst of panic and unable to physically get to my bed, my bed is what I visualize and it helps me to sit in my feelings/symptoms and "float."

The reprieve from anxiety is why I am quick to go to bed at night and slow to leave it in the morning. It is my most reliable coping mechanism. It's been there since the beginning.

How about you? What is your happy place? Tell me in the comments : ) 

Just Do SOMEthing

I really envy task oriented people. 

My husband, for example. He is a "get 'er done" person. He sticks to a schedule. He writes a list of roles and goals everyday. He talks about "big rocks" and "important and not urgent or important and urgent" or whatever... He's a Seven Habits guy.

In fact, he has to WORK AT BEING LESS TASK ORIENTED AND RELAXING MORE. Whuuuuuut?!

I have no idea what that is like.

It's not that I want to sit around and do nothing with myself. I have all kinds of things that I need and want to get done. My head is usually racing (especially at night when I'm trying to fall asleep; so frustrating!) with tasks, goals, and new ideas. It is quite overwhelming.

So, like any other person, I make a list; organize my thoughts. Hoping that this will make it all less overwhelming. And everyone says it's so satisfying to check things off the list... blah, blah, blah...

"To Do" lists overwhelm me. 

The thought of ALL THE THINGS I need to do actually often paralyzes me and I end up doing nothing. 

                                                

I wish I was the person who has no idea what that is like.

One day as I was sitting on the couch looking around at the mess that naturally happens when a family of four lives in a house, feeling overwhelmed at the amount of things that needed to get done. I basically said to myself, "Eff it, I'm going to do something I WANT to do."

Somewhere in my "To Do" list history, I was convinced that I had to do things in a certain order. I had to get the daily, monotonous, not fun things done before I could do anything that would fulfill me professionally, creatively, or even personally. 

Like... I wouldn't even read, because I hadn't yet done the dishes or laundry or vacuumed. Yet, because I desperately don't want to do dishes or laundry or vacuum, I just sit there. 

What the heck? 

If I am just sitting there, I could be reading and checking books off of my huge list of "books I want to read!" Know what I mean? 

So that day, I got up off the couch and painted a shelf. I love a good DIY project.

I did something and it felt good to get it done.

Turns out, when I just do SOMEthing from the overwhelming list, I tend to feel motivated to do other things too... even the things I really don't like doing.

And BTW, now I keep a book downstairs (I used to really only read at bed time). Because, if I'm on the couch feeling overwhelmed at the roles and goals of my life, at LEAST I can read.

Also:

There have been times in my life when even the things I enjoy were not motivating. If you are, or have ever been, struggling with depression. You are not alone. It is a real illness, and I understand (and wish everyone understood) that you can't just do SOMEthing to snap out of it. 

So, do you relate? Do you ever feel paralyzed by all the things you want to accomplish? How have you overcome that? Share your tips and thoughts in the comments!

Surrender to the Mess -- Especially if it's Cultivating Creativity

I told you about my "word for the year" in my previous post -- Surrender.  When I was mulling over this word, it was mostly in regards to world events. 

However, I am finding that I am actually MOSTLY needing to surrender the little things that happen in my daily life. 

See that mess of pistachio shells. I desperately, DESPERATELY want to clean it up. 

Cleanliness is something I can control.

Control eases my anxiety.

It took all of my strength to sit and eat breakfast with that pile of shells sitting there. But breakfast (mostly likely the meal we eat at the table all together for the day), is sacred. I don't need to be cleaning up. I want to enjoy conversation with my family.

After eating, my daughter picks up a shell and asks "what can we make out of these?" She is SO creative. She LOVES to take junk and make it into something. This is one of her most common questions.

You would think that as an artist myself, I would be all about the messes and the freedom to express creativity. 

You would be wrong.

I am probably the cleanest, tidiest artist you've ever met.

So, when Gwenyth gets into creative mode, I cringe. 

Must. SURRENDER.

Because:

Now, she is seeing beyond the shell and making little bugs... each with a personality and story all it's own.

She is building fine motor skills coloring on those tiny shells.

THEN:

My husband joins in and they start making a colony of bugs. A colony of bugs needs a queen. A colony of bugs needs workers. The queen bug lays eggs which hatch into larva. What can we use for larva? Macaroni, of course.

Are you kidding me? My husband just turned this into a school lesson! Whoa. He's amazing.

Now, they are making plans and rules to make a game out of the bug colony. A game which, I'm sure, will involve strategy and numbers and all kinds of good things for learning. A game which needs lots of pieces which will be more easily made in an assembly line. Whuuut?!

I wish I could tell you that I am completely at peace and my skin isn't crawling at how the little shells have now completely taken over the table AND they are "flaking" into minute little crumbs. I wish I could tell you that I am not chomping at the bit to consolidate all the markers back into their container.

I am simply making the choice to encourage the creativity rather than take control for my own sake.

SURRENDER.

Amen. 

In Times Like This

I have mentioned before my tendencies to avoid the news media but, unless you live in a hole in the ground the events of the latest election are pretty unavoidable. 

I pretty much avoid all political commentary just as much as I avoid licking door knobs so, this is as close as I get.

A new year is upon us. 

Though I don't make resolutions, I do reflect. I usually have something (or fifty things) that I struggled with throughout the year. Usually those are the things that I want to change.

Last year, I jumped on the band wagon of choosing a word for the new year. Last year it was Peace.

This year, my word is

Surrender

I have been working really hard to decipher the things that are in my circle of control. I have this tendency to want control over ALL THE THINGS. And if I don't feel in control of things then, my anxiety takes control of me. 

The problem is, in reality, there isn't a whole lot that I ACTUALLY can control <--- duh, I know.

Everyday, I have to evaluate what is in my circle. Everyday, I have to surrender what falls outside of the circle to God. The One who is ultimately in control of everything. 

I mean, do I really think I can do it better than Him?  <--- UGH! Sometimes I do! Help me, Jesus.

All this to say that recent events in our world have caused a great amount of anxiety in me and I am determined to do the things that are in my control and let God take care of the rest. 

I choose the word surrender rather than say "choice" or "control," because the ratio of what is actually in my control to what I WANT to control is like 1 :  1 billion so, the act of surrender is going to be a multiple times a day kind of action. It will need to be at the forefront of my thoughts.

So in times like this:

Happy New Year, friends!

Do you have a word for the year?

or

Do you do resolutions?

Let's share and encourage each other in the comments!

Coping with Anxiety -- Your Circle of Control

* Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you click on the link and purchase, I make a small commission at no cost to you. Thank you for supporting Little Things, Love... and Reality.

There is one major theme when it comes to the anxiety issues in my life: CONTROL

or... lack of it. 

Whenever my symptoms arise (nausea, stomach pain, shaking, shallow breathing, rapid heart rate, etc.), the lack of control I feel is terrifying, which only causes the symptoms to get worse. It's a vicious cycle. Very quickly my body becomes sensitized, and basically I feel anxiety over my anxiety and the lack of control over my symptoms.

I have learned that when I feel symptoms, I try to control them. I try so very hard, always to no avail, to make them go away. I fight them with all my might, which actually only makes things worse. 

I can not tell you what a difference it has made in my life to just give into the feelings of anxiety. If you have been on this blog before, you know that I love Dr. Claire Weekes. Please read her book. It will explain more in depth what I mean. 

When I feel anxiety and the symptoms that come along with it, most of the time it's about something over which I have no control. 

Loved ones, getting sick

My husband's work/job

Choices that other people make in their lives (like addictions or even choices about money and relationships)

Tragedy around the nation/world

These are just a few examples.

I want to fix things. I want to make choices for people. I want to right wrongs, and because I can't (or really shouldn't) I feel anxious. 

In reality, I just need to let that sh*t go. (Insert Frozen sound track here.)

A friend of mine introduced me to Susan Goss awhile back. She came to our church and spoke about anxiety. When she gave her "circle talk," a big light bulb went off for me. 

I am a very visual learner, and it really took seeing it mapped out in this way for me to "get it." 

If you don't watch, here is the main idea of the circle talk:

Here I've added a just a few things of my own:

I think it's pretty self explanatory, right?

It's a daily process of letting go.

Daily, when I feel myself getting anxious, I ask myself whether or not this "thing" is in my control. Most often it is "not in my circle."

"Not in my circle" has become sort of a catch phrase among my friends, because I have shared this strategy with all of them and now, I hope it will help you!

What are things you know are not "in your circle" but still want to control? Share in the comments!

Exercise... when You are Anxious About Exercise

NOTE: I am definitely NOT a doctor. These are personal experiences that have helped me. Please consult a doctor before beginning any work out or exercise program... blah blah blah.

I know that everyone goes through a mind battle during a work out. Your brain is screaming "I can't do anymore!" but, the truth is you can. Your body is able.

For me and for others that struggle with anxiety, the mind battle when exercising is intensified. For one thing, anxious people experience the symptoms of fight or flight all the time without exercising: Racing heart, weak muscles, it's hard to breathe etc. so, putting our bodies through that PURPOSEFULLY is hard to get past.

Here is a summary of what I think in my head when my anxiety rears its ugly head. 

"Okay I'm gonna run. It's gonna be okay. I can do it. My mind will say I can't, but really I can." 

(See I KNOW this stuff. I really do).

"Whew, yeah, this is hard work. It's hard to breath, my muscles hurt. My heart feels like it's going to pump out of my chest. What if this is more than it should be? Am I going to give myself a heart attack? I should slow down. Oh, I am pretty far from home. What if my muscles give out? What if my heart is pounding too much and I actually give myself a heart attack. What if I collapse right here on the street? I have no phone, no ID on me. What if no one is around to find me? I could DIE right here on the street."

(Again, this is a succinct version; the battle goes back and forth for awhile)

As outrageous as I KNOW it is, the cycle of thinking doesn't stop. Before I know it, I am walking my way home to recover from my "work out" which didn't come from aerobic exercise as much as fight or flight responses that plum tucker the body out.

But no one can deny the positive effects of exercise. It is a fact that when I am in a routine of exercise, my anxiety and depression are a gazillion times better. It's just a matter of finding ways to work out that keep the overwhelming anxious thoughts at bay.

Here are a few things that work for me:

1) YouTube

I LOVE YouTube. There are endless workout videos FREE on YouTube. You can find every kind of work out style in every increment of time. Type in, "15 minute yoga" or "30 minute walking workout" or even "Bollywood dancing workout" and you'll find tons of options to choose from.

* When you are recovering from any type of breakdown, sometimes 5 minutes is all you can handle. I have been there. When starting over, there is no shame in a 5 minute walk or a ten minute beginner workout. I would search for LOW IMPACT workouts... even typing in "exercise for seniors." You gotta start somewhere. Eventually you'll work your way up!

YouTube is Free, can be done in the privacy of your home, and offers unlimited variety!

2) Use your staircase

I set up my laptop on the fifth step and turn on my favorite show. Grab a set of weights (huge 2 lbs!) and step up and down from the floor to the first step over and over and over again... alternating legs every now and then.

It's mindless movement and I am distracted by whatever is happening on the Bachellorette.

3) Dance it out

One way that I get some exercise in with my kiddos is to have a dance party. There are multiple benefits to this. You move, they move, we all giggle, and it's great one-on-one attention time for them which makes it easier for them to play on their own later so, you can get some stuff done.

What are your favorite workouts right now? Share in the comments : ) Right now I am doing mostly yoga.

What do You Say to Someone Going Through an Anxious Episode?

Last night was a long, rough night. My almost five year old daughter was up multiple times. I could tell that each time, she woke from a deep sleep as she was confused and disoriented. The third time she woke up, she absolutely lost it. Big, ugly, sobbing, crying mess. She was beside herself and could not be consoled nor could she tell us what was the matter.

It is a helpless feeling not being able to console your child.

It can also be infuriating.

I don't handle crying kids well. It takes all of my strength to keep calm. I think because of my own anxiety and introversion crying can just be completely overstimulating to my senses. All I want to do is MAKE IT STOP!

But, because I AM that person -- the person who cries a lot and has to go through the feelings, I am able to put myself in their place and keep my emotions in check. I remind myself of the things that are helpful for me and avoid the things that are counter productive to the situation.

The most counter productive things to say to anyone going through an anxious episode are:

You're okay.

Calm down.

Stop crying.

Those of us in the midst of anxiety and emotion are completely incapable of doing so, and telling someone to stop only causes more duress and actually brings on a sense of shame for feeling emotion. Crying is a physical release for our emotion. Bottling it up will do NO good.

My amazing husband was the one that consoled Gwenyth through her episode last night. He was completely calm and prayed for her first. Then, he began to say the perfect things. As I listened from our room, I realized, that these are the very things that are what I need to hear when I am going through anxiety and panic. I know he has said these things to ME many times...

"Even though you feel very bad right now, I still love you and God loves you even more."

I don't want to generalize everyone that lives with anxiety. What works for me might not work for another, but these words work for me because:

A) They acknowledge that I am NOT okay and it is okay not to feel okay. Okay?

  - If you mean to say okay as a way to communicate safety then say, "you are safe."

B) They acknowledge that I am still loved.

  - I know my emotions are difficult. I know they can be intense. It is difficult for ME to have you see me like this. I don't want to be a bother. I feel embarrassed. Anxious people are constantly battling self doubt and worrying about what others think of us. To know we are loved unconditionally is UNBELIEVABLY reassuring.

I have friends who have also said very helpful things when I am calling out for help and prayers:

"I know you feel awful right now, but it will not last. You will come through to the other side. These feelings will not last forever."

This is helpful and encouraging, again, because it acknowledges the feelings and the struggle. They remind me that the symptoms are temporary while not being unrealistic that they will disappear instantly if I just "calm down."

From there, patience and presence is what many anxiety ridden people, like me, need. A calm presence does wonders for me. You don't even have to talk. Simply stating, "I am not leaving you" is all I need.

I think I can sum up this post like this:

What do you wish people would say to you when you are "going through it?" Or do you have helpful comments that you know have helped other people in times of high emotion? Let me know in the comments.

Living with Anxiety -- Dealing with Daily Dread

There are hundreds of comics and memes out there that joke about Mondays. Most everyone dreads Monday. It usually means the end of the weekend, back to the grind. It's the end of relaxation and back to work.

For many of us who live with anxiety and other mental illnesses, every night is like Sunday night; we dread the next day. Or for others, like me, the dread comes in the mornings.

When I was in elementary school and middle school, most every morning I went through episodes of panic that often included feeling sick to my stomach. I remember the short car ride to school that I always wished was longer. I would feel panic right up until I got to my locker.

Morning dread has been an constant presence in my life. It is definitely better with medication, but it hasn't totally disappeared. Here is what it can like for me:

Eyes open

Deep breath

Shallow breathing

Heart rate up

Battle of the brain -- I don't wanna get up -- talking myself into getting up

thoughts about the day -- kids need me, tasks need to get done...

All of me wants to turn over and go back to sleep.

I JUST DON'T WANNA!

Kids call out

I JUST HAVE TO

Since going back on meds and using coping strategies from Dr. Claire Weekes, I can usually get up, take action on my day, and be fine. But in my times of breakdown. I often took way to long to get out of bed. Many days, I would bring the kids into bed with me. I'd let them watch TV while I tried to recover from major panic attacks. Or, honestly, I would just sleep more. It never ended well. Inevitably, the kids got cranky, because they were hungry. I'm sure you can imagine the scenes that followed.

Here are some things that I have been doing to help combat the morning dread. Don't get me wrong, these things have not eliminated the dread, but have helped me get through it faster.

1. Before heading to bed, make a schedule for the next day, especially if everyday is different. Being a free lance artist and stay at home mom, every day is different. Starting a day not having a clear vision, for me, leads to feeling paralyzed and then, nothing gets done.

I like to sit with the kids and make a schedule with them, giving them a chance to pipe in things they want to accomplish too. I don't actually state times; it's more just a list. For example:

eat breakfast

read stories

free play -- mom works

bake muffins

lunch

outside

stories

Reuben nap -- Gwenny quiet time

laundry

clean bathroom

supper

choir

bedtime

A list like this is very flexible, but gives just enough structure for our day.

2. Have a relaxing night time routine: After the kids are down, I wash my face, brush my teeth and all that jazz. Then, I will check my Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest accounts. All with the lamp on, because staring at the screen in the dark is scientifically bad for you -- it will keep you awake. Technically, I probably shouldn't even check my phone at all, but I do. 

Then, I read. I read until I can hardly keep my eyes open. 

Reading keeps my mind off of all the thoughts that intrude upon my brain which keep me from sleep.

3. When you wake up, breath deep and ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL the feelings. Don't fight it or try to make it go away. Accept the racing heart and shallow breath. Accept it all knowing that it will go away AND you can still function even when your body feels this way.

4. Knowing your body can function through any symptoms, get out of bed. In the words of Dr. Claire Weekes, "float" through the steps to get ready for the day. (If you are dealing with anxiety, please read her book. There is a link at the left side of this page). "Float" through whatever you do until you realize you are not floating anymore.

The mindset of acceptance and tending to the tasks with a "floating" mindset has worked wonders for me. Knowing that I can function with shallow breathing, shaky hands, and racing heart has begun to desensitize my body. And... the meds help too.

Now (most mornings), I only have to "float" to my son's room, change his diaper, and now by the time I get him dressed, I realize I'm feeling fine!

It's not everyday. I certainly have days of "floating" all the way through breakfast, but most days are better. And... let's be real, some nights I read until 2:00 in the morning, and I pull the kids into my bed and let them watch while I snooze... which never ends well. You'd think I'd learn my lesson.

How do you deal with daily dread? We all deal with it sometimes... some of us just a lot more than others.

Living with Anxiety -- My Nutritional Supplement Routine

*NOTE: This post contains affiliate links, but I will never link you to anything I don't trust and use myself. If you click and make a purchase using one of these links, I may make a small commission at no extra charge to you. Thanks for supporting Little Things, Love... and Reality.

*AND: I am not a doctor. Please don't take this as medical advice, but simply a personal experience resource.

When I decided to go off my meds the last time, I was taking a ridiculous amount of supplements:

B12 - for mood and balance

Magnesium - which I have read has helped many people with anxiety

Iodine (kelp) - for energy and good thyroid function

Selenium - need to take when taking Iodine

Maca Root - supposed to be amazing at balancing hormones

Holy Basil - for anxiety related symptoms

Cod Liver Oil - for hormone balance

and a Probiotic - for gut health

I felt no significant change taking any of them. As you've read, I actually just continued to worsen.

Not only was taking all of these annoying, it was flippin' EXPENSIVE.

Since going back on my meds (Sertraline and Hormonal birth control), I have simplified my supplement routine immensely.

I take my two above mentioned pharmaceutical pills at night before bed.

After lunch I take:

I like this one because it contains specifically B vitamins, Magnesium, Selenium, and Iodine. There aren't many multi-vitamins that contain Iodine, which I've done lots of research on. It's VERY important, and I do believe Americans are deficient. That's a whole other blog post.

I know that birth control saps many nutrients from my body, so, this is a small step to replenish.

And

I firmly believe that gut health is crucial for health. I believe gut health directly affects my anxiety, depression, and hormonal issues. I've always had frequent, persistent heartburn and plenty of *ahem* bowel issues. 

I have taken some type of probiotic for years now, even when I was on the anxiety meds before. But, honestly, I never really felt any of the benefits. I just trusted it was helping.

Within the last few months, I read about the fact that persistent heart burn and bowel issues actually stem from too little stomach acid. I had always thought heart burn was from too much! 

So, about three months ago, I started the Super Enzymes. FINALLY, I have felt a difference in my gut! I still get occasional heart burn, but it subsides with a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar. 

I no longer have any antacids or heart burn medication in my house! That's kind of a miracle.

This routine of meds and supplements is simple and minimal, and I can bring myself to take all of them even on bad days. When I had bad days using all the other supplements and essential oils, it felt overwhelming, and I just wouldn't care to do it. 

How about you? Have you ever felt whelmed by all of the supplement options out there? Are there any supplements you can't be without? I know we should technically just be getting our nutrients from good food, but reality is it just doesn't happen that way for me. 

My #1 Anxiety Resource -- Dr. Claire Weekes

If you live with Anxiety, like me, I want to share with you the BEST resource I have ever found.

This book by Dr. Claire Weekes.

* this is an affiliate link, but be assured, I stand by this book 100%.*

I can't say enough good things about it. 

IT IS LIFE CHANGING.

Some people have inquired as to why I didn't seek therapy after my last last bad anxiety breakdowns. This book is the reason.

I've done therapy twice. I'm not going to say it was worthless, but it didn't help me in the ways that I was hoping. It was mostly about "changing my thinking." Don't get me wrong, I believe that our mind set has great impact on our lives. I do believe in the power of positive thinking.

Positive thinking and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works for a lot of people. It just really didn't work for me.

The thing about MY brain is that I can think positively. I KNOW my anxieties are irrational, but my body still reacts. I still feel sick. When that happens, all the positive thinking in the world doesn't work. Plus, then I feel like a failure because it's not working. 

When someone tells you not to think of an orange... what do you think of?!

So, when people tell me not to think the negative/anxiety producing thoughts, it just doesn't work.

This book is not about changing your thinking. It's about accepting.

I love that Dr. Weekes takes the reader through every physical symptom that can manifest in people with anxiety and scientifically explains what is happening to the body. It was all very comforting.

The rest of the book is about acceptance of those symptoms and "floating" through anxious times even though you feel ill. Practicing this acceptance will gradually desensitize your body so that you won't feel those symptoms so intensely anymore.

The thought of actually embracing all the feelings rather than fighting them has been life changing. All my life, I have been pleading for the feelings to just GO AWAY, doing anything to resist them and fight them off, only to make them worse.

Acceptance of the feelings, knowing they will go away soon, while "floating" through the situation...

LIFE CHANGING.

If you live with anxiety and have yet to find a coping strategy that works, please try this book.

That is all.

Essential Oils -- They are Something, but Not Everything

NOTE: This post contains affiliate links.
But, I will never link you to anything I don't trust or use myself!

One of my great experiments when I went off my meds was to see if I could control my anxiety symptoms using essential oils.

If you are wondering about the essential oil world, my one piece of advice is to DO YOUR RESEARCH. Please, please, PLEASE don't take the advice of one site or blog... or even fifty for that matter. It's an over saturated market right now, and it is difficult to find factual information!

*And remember, I am not a medical professional, I am a regular person.*

I first heard of essential oils from a friend on Facebook. Then, I started reading some blogs and articles about them. Everything I was reading was very convincing.

But, I don't really do anything without researching 10X more than the average person.

Essential Oil Safety: A Guide for Healthcare Professionals is 650 pages of information! You definitely don't get this information from Pinterest. Like Technically, each individual oil has it's own safe dilution percentage. Some are more than others. So, we are given a blanket percentage on most informative sites. There are many cases of essential oils that are just counter productive together. There are some that actually interact with pharmaceutical medicines. This book also explains the science of absorption and chemical reactions that happen in body which is really impressive and cool.

Essential have become a major trend. I'm not saying that's bad, but with trends there is a tendency for things to get overlooked in order to spread the word about such a good thing quickly.

Essential oils are powerful. They have scientific research to back their medicinal qualities. They shouldn't be used casually, without careful thought. In my opinion, the trending use of essential oils is careless and wasteful.

Everywhere, you can find recipes for any ailment. You can find advice from people who use essential oils straight out of the bottle. I saw a video of a essential oil seller who's daughter was sprinkling her essential oils onto her wrists before school. I know that not all essential oil sellers promote this, but I have found many that do.

Using MORE essential oils does not make them stronger! Using them straight up is just plain wasteful (so, frankly, a way to get you to use more and get more sales). Check out this page. It is extremely informative about diluting essential oils.

Basically, safe dilution of a 15 ml essential oil is 2% which would fill up a wine bottle! That would last for a VERY LONG TIME. There is no reason anyone should be going through bottles of essential oils per month.

Some oils that have sensitization properties, which means that even if you've used them before without reaction, it could develop at any time.

There are a list of oils that are just NOT safe to use around children... common ones like Peppermint and Eucalyptus, unless at a extremely low dilution? I have to admit, I made this mistake. I didn't do all my research before actually using my oils. I know better now.

Many (and please note I am saying many not all) people endorse dropping essential oils in their water or a capsule to ingest them. This is what originally made me very skeptical of essential oils. If they are that powerful ON your body, why would we need them IN our body? Again, do your research and come to your own decide on your own conclusions.
Mine is that I will NEVER ingest them.

Here are a few sites that I found that give the REAL scoop on essential oils
(these are not affiliate links):

Learning About EOs

The Barefoot Dragonfly

The Tisserand Institute

Intoxicated on Life did a really great series called the Skeptics Guide to Essential Oils.

This post  by Kayla Fioravanti is a great condensed list of cautions to use.

So, after extensive research, I decided to try Eden's Garden essential oils. This company consistently gets great reviews by users, and they are very affordable.

I used specifically for my anxiety:
Frankincense
Align Synergy Blend
&
Relaxation Synergy Blend

As I mentioned in my previous post, when I get into a bad anxious state, I pretty much ignore self care. I wasn't totally consistent in applying the oils in the worst times so, maybe that was my problem.

The essential oils did not have significant effect on my severity of anxiety.

HOWEVER, that is not to say they didn't help at all.

First, I mixed Align and Frankincense, because I CAN'T STAND the smell of Align. Frankincense makes it bearable. And remember, of course, all of these oils are diluted to 2% in a carrier oil (I use coconut or jojoba oil).

I noticed that on days that I used Frankincense, my nervous ticks (yes... I never told you about those) were more under control. When I had the flu really bad, I noticed that I stayed calmer when I used the Relaxation synergy blend. Still today, when I rub Frankincense on my feet at night, I notice my sleep is deeper.

When I rid myself of hype that essential oils should totally replace my pharmaceuticals, I started to really love them. I'm excited to share with you in future posts some of the things I do use essential oils for.

Because, essential oils are something, but they are not everything.
(thanks Laura Miller - Wink).

Living with Anxiety -- Why I Choose to Medicate

I was first medicated in college for my anxiety disorders.

I went off for a bit shortly after I got married and relapsed severely. 

I went off, had a baby, and relapsed severely.

Those times I tried going off the medication, I was totally ignorant of all of the natural alternatives there are out there for all kinds of health issues. 

I had never heard of "clean eating." I never knew the all the processed foods I was consuming were reeking havoc on my body. 

I never realized that there are a gazillion chemicals that make our life more convenient, but are often dangerous for us. 

I knew nothing about herbal supplements or essential oils.

Slowly over the last few years, I have been learning about natural ways of living and changing how we operate in our household. I promise I will share with you about many of these changes that I LOVE and have made our lives better.

I began to read testimonies of people who were able to eliminate all medications from their lives through clean eating, herbal supplements, and/ or essential oils. 

Since this was something that I had never tried, I wanted to give it a shot. So, I stocked up on essential oils. Got the right supplements, and seriously tried to keep my diet clean. 

In future posts, I will go into more detail about the specific things I did, but this post is to give you a general idea of why I went back to medication.

To sum it up best: I now fully understand why my mom and dad both told us kids that they want quality of life over quantity of life. There were many MANY episodes, paralyzed in my room, when all I could think was, "this is too hard. No one should have to live like this." 

The thing about anxiety is you don't wanna live this way, but you're also too afraid to die.

(Whew! Heavy, I know).

All of the natural remedies in the world don't work if you don't do them, and that's what happens when I get in an anxious state. I don't care about anything. 

I don't brush my teeth

I don't wash my face

I don't rub oils on my feet

I don't swallow 6 pills (big ones)

I don't eat

If you have never experienced mental illness, it's very easy to say, "just do it. Get up and do what you need to do." I can actually totally understand why people who function normally would think that.

But, though I KNOW it, when in the mode of panic, it doesn't matter. I can't explain it. It just is.

I was getting sicker and sicker. I was losing weight at a rapid pace. I really was malnourished, and therefore was constantly feeling tired, weak and dizzy which then just made me feel more anxious. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

I wanted to drink a cup of coffee in the morning with my husband again. I wanted to go out with friends again. I wanted to eat a cookie. I wanted to be able to take care of my kids without having to park them in front of a video to go recover from panic or have someone over to help me.

So, I am choosing to chemically alter my body. I am aware that there isn't much research on the long term effects of the medicine. I am aware that it could shorten my life span overall, but I don't care. 

I can function. I feel like myself again. I am not saying I am anxiety free or never have a panic attack. But, I can handle it. It doesn't send me spiraling down into a pit of despair. I am happy to be living life again instead of just trying to survive another day.

I'm sharing this simply to encourage those of you struggling with the decision to medicate. I know it's a tough one and not something to take lightly. You get STRONG arguments for medication and STRONG arguments against it. Ultimately, it's something you have to decide for yourself, and stand firm in the fact that you are in control of your own body. Because, no matter what you decide, people will still give their opinions after the fact : /

How about you? Is there a particular moment when you said enough is enough and started meds? 

Are you able to control things naturally?

Whether you are happy on the natural route or on the chemical route, encourage each other in the comments.

Rest Beside the Weary Road

I know, I know, I'm supposed to be on a blogging break, but I needed to share something that really touched me from Sunday's church service. 

One of the reasons I love Christmas is because of the traditional carols. I know we all love them, but have you every really paid attention to the words? The versus are so RICH with life giving text.

This verse from It Came Upon a Midnight Clear especially stood out to me:

O ye beneath life's crushing load,
Whose forms are bending low,
Who toil along the climbing way
With painful steps and slow;
Look now, for glad and golden hours
Come swiftly on the wing;
Oh rest beside the weary road
And hear the angels sing

Maybe it's because of the last year and a half of my life has been turbulent or maybe because I know a few people in my life that are struggling very much right now.

The imagery is so strong. I see someone (myself even) walking along a road with a load of so large, I have to walk hunched over, head down, unable to think about anything except each slow and painful step. 

The weight of the world (expectations of ourselves, of others, care giving, grief, finances, health, schedules, commitments, sadness, anger, depression, anxiety, addiction, broken relationships, regret, guilt, and whatever else) is crushing, yet we have to go on.

BUT

We were never meant to carry such a load. The Lord came to earth, and died for all of that load we carry! He came to take our burdens if only we would cast them on Him.

That is the Good News!

I Imagine someone (myself even) walking along a road with the heavy load suddenly surrounded by the angels who announced the birth of the savior. I Imagine throwing off the load to the side of the road and resting, maybe even using the load as a chair or bed and basking in the glory of the heavenly hosts singing and praising Jesus!

Rest.

Sweet Rest.

I pray for you to find rest along this weary road of life.

And now... for real... I'll be back in January -- like mid January.

Say NO to Busy

I love Christmas time. Christmas time is my favorite. Love, lights, family, food, gifts... who doesn't love all of that?

There have definitely been years when Christmas time was NOT my favorite. 

Those years when every weekend (and many weeknights) in December was booked to the brim with activity... I didn't handle those well. Partly because I am a pretty extreme introvert, but mostly because busyness brings out my anxiety symptoms to the max.

Not all activities were stressful, and most were very fun. But, inevitably, no matter how much fun, I felt the effects of anxiety symptoms at some point which tires me out. Think of the state your body gets in when you are say... being chased by a bear. That fight or flight state kept up for long periods of time is exhausting. 

So, if there is too much activity and little time to process and recover, I can pretty much guarantee I will end up a complete mess which is no fun to be around for Christmas.

The inability to handle lots of activity is something I have learned about myself the hard way over the last few years. It used to embarrass me, and I would never had shared that with anyone.

Because, let's face it, in our culture, we glorify busy. 

How many conversations start like this:

"Hey! How are you?"

"Good... busy, really busy."

Sometimes we are so busy that we don't even have time to talk about our busyness. No wonder the average person feels ten fold the anxiety that anyone felt even fifty years ago.

What does that busyness get us? For me, busyness brings stress and anxiety and an intense longing to just "be" at home. I hear that so much from busy people. The longing to not be busy.

In the last four years, since Gwenyth was born, my husband and I have decided to take control of our busyness. Did you know you can do that?!

We started saying NO.

Even to really good things.

We are very thoughtful and particular about where we invest our time, and it doesn't always please all the people : /

Don't get me wrong. We do stuff. Mike and I direct a choir. We host our small group. Gwenyth takes ballet lessons, etc., but we leave plenty of time for breathing in our lifestyle.

This Christmas season has been the most peaceful I have had in years. I am relishing in it!

Some people thrive on activity. I actually have people in my life that say, "I'm hardly ever home, but I love it!" That is awesome for them.

But, if you are are longing for a night at home... maybe you need to re-think your lifestyle. You might need to say no to some things, even if you really enjoy it. Think about life in seasons; it has helped me.

I so often feel this mindset of "it has to be now." I know there is a certain beauty to living in the moment, like today is your last, but in reality, it's probably not my last day to live. I anticipate a long life ahead of me. There IS time to do things. We don't have to do everything now. 

So in this Christmas season, make sure that busyness isn't stealing your joy! 

What about you? Are you feeling peace and joy? What are some things that you are saying no to in this season of your life that you know you will be able to say yes to in the future? Comment below and start a conversation.